I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
