Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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