U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just google imaged poop.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
