I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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