Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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