"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
