You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I see more hoeing in ur future
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