Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
