is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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