Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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