Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
