FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
