I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
