if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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