I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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