Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
