You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
