she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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