so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
