sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
