my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
