So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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