Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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