hotel room ftw
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
