I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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