Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
that is very illegal...i love you.
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