So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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