Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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