he wants to bone in the snuggie
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
