You can't motorboat a personality
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
