is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
