Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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