Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
