Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
