But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
