I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
