I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
