Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't notice because vodka
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
