It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
