just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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