I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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