Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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