Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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