remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
