you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
