No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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