apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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