i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
