I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
