There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
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I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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