we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
