I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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