Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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