awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
