all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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