She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
