His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
